drive-by evangelist
Freakishly warm weather yesterday, so I went for a walk around town. This was also an exploratory journey because my local supermarket is closing from the start of next month - and I needed to check out the closest places for fresh veggies and fruit. And other stuff.
So I was walking along - dressed in my overkill-for-20c-autumn-temperatures jacket when I was accosted by a formally dressed guy. Polite, wanted to speak to me about something. Now, ignoring the guy or grinning and saying I’m busy and walking away would have been my normal practice. There are people who seem to be prone to encounters with zealous missionaries - some more so than others - and I happen to be targeted quite frequently whenever I venture out in public. Maybe I have this I-am-a-lost-soul please-save-me look on my face, I dunno. Previous experience with people wandering streets with a book in their hand and wanting to speak to me generally means that what they really want is to sell me something. Even if it doesn’t cost me a penny in cash.
I was, as usual, thinking about something else. I assumed this guy wanted directions to somewhere. In a corner of my brain where all the grey cells had perished, maybe I thought he was a fresher stumbling around lost trying to find the university. Sadly, I didn’t notice a plastic nametag attached to his lapel identifying him as an Elder in a umm.. for want of a better word, sect ?
He wanted to tell me about the book of Mormon.
Again, a terse, succinct verbal pissoffgram would have sufficed to make my point to this guy. No, I am not even faintly religious in an overt sense. Yes, I am mildly annoyed that people feel compelled to talk others into making a spiritual or religious choice - something that every one should make for themselves. But it was a nice day and I didn’t feel like snapping. Maybe they teach these emissaries how to identify people like me in their faith school. So I bit. I answered that I was agnostic, no I was not from these parts originally … the usual intro … and then I waited for him to launch into his spiel.
He started explaining about his book. I jumped in and asked him if he was American. Distinctive accent, not very hard. A rapid blink and he replies in the affirmative. Then I ask him if he was from Utah. Again, it was a guess and not even a very obscure thing to ask, but he blinks, pauses and says yes. Then I ask him why his name tag says LDS but he calls himself a Mormon. A slightly longer pause and he says it’s a nickname. He asks me if I know about Mormons… Now, it would have tickled me pink to explain to him that I had read about the Mormons quite some time ago, but only in the context of tithes and polygamous relationships as described in The Travels of Jamie McPheeters. Not sure why I didn’t, but I just mentioned Brigham Young and muttered something about Salt Lake City. Back to the script again, he asks the lost soul about his origins and antecedents… All of thirty seconds later, he steers the conversation back to how great the book is, but I’m not listening. I break in and ask him how that book differs from the Bible. Different prophets, different time, he says. I’m not letting him stick to his script and this is clearly starting to bug him a bit.
Now, the hook. We have this wonderful material *pauses for effect* completely free. Would you like to know more ? (ala Starship Troopers: the movie)
I’m wondering how best to phrase “Oh hell no” in the politest way possible.
The second hook. “I understand you’re busy now, but if you leave us your name and address, maybe we can drop by and visit sometime ?”
I stop thinking about polite ways to refuse his offer of free pamphlets that I’ll never read and don a stony mask of you gotta be kidding me. That’s American-ese for pull the other one, its got bells on, for all the readers from the UK.
Maybe I give you a website that you can visit ?
I’m getting bored with playing missionary puppet, so I nod assent. A quick handshake later and I’m free.
Nope. Still not Mormon. Unless I caught Mormon cooties from the handshake.
But on a more serious note, I understand that this proselytization affirms the faith of those doing it, but how many people are converted ? 1 in a 100 ? less ? Somehow, it doesn’t seem likely the numbers are higher. So why do they keep doing it ? Like spammers (wow, I’ve just compared missionaries to spammers. I am so going to hell now), do the few who click on that email or respond affirmatively make it worth their while ?
On 28-Oct-05 at 5:05 pm,
spizkapa wrote:
Dude,
I enjoyed your post immensely, so much so that I thought I’d add an encounter of the same type that I had in probably similar location to where you did just a few months ago.
The guy’s well dressed, like yours. He comes up and I’m zonked from a long day of work. I’m hoping he’s lost, like you. He starts yapping on about something and like you, I’m not paying any attentions.
Finally, he mentions the word “God” and that was my cue. I interrupt him to say: well, you see, that IS the problem. There exists no God so I’m afraid you have nothing to convince me about!
By the time he had recovered from his near-faint, I was already 20 meters down the road, suspiciously waiving his goodbye.
Incidentally, my answer was quite similar to one that the man himself, RMS, has been attributed with.
On 29-Oct-05 at 4:30 am,
sage wrote:
http://www.comics.com/comics/pearls/archive/images/pearls2005114652021.gif
On 29-Oct-05 at 1:25 pm,
Splee wrote:
Just before you used the spammer comparison the same thought was blossoming in my mind. If it wasn’t for the fact that they shun technology (or so the movies say… I don’t actually *know* that) I would not be surprised to see Mormon spam in my inbox.
I generally don’t get approached by these types. The stony look which conveys “bugger off” quite clearly is one of my natural talents. Only the really dumb or over zealous ever actually open their mouths.
On 31-Oct-05 at 4:35 am,
Kermit wrote:
funny. even *i’ve* come across one of these — down here. same template. only i struck up a good conversation. the guy was sitting next to me in the bus, so i thought i might as well entertain myself. unfortunately, just as we were getting into some serious metaphysics, it was suddenly time for me to get off. too bad.
On 01-Nov-05 at 10:34 pm,
Sin wrote:
No, those are the Amish, who shun technology. Mormons can’t consume caffeine, nicotine, that sort of thing; can’t drink, have a Coke, have sex before marriage, wear hair shirts, all kinds of amusing stuff. Personally though, I find Mormons kind of entertaining, (a) because the younger ones are HOT (see: Latter Days, and HBO’s Angels in America), and (b) because I’ve personally corrupted and/or slept with like a dozen of ‘em. They’re not so great in bed, but they learn FAST.
On 02-Nov-05 at 4:58 am,
sage wrote:
THAT’s how you fixed up the long links in the recent comments? eeeeew. oogly.
On 02-Nov-05 at 10:49 am,
drac wrote:
Kermit: they’re everywhere. Inescapable fact of life. Actually, if the guy was on a bus, that means he was probably on his way home.
Sin: I’m interested. Mormons specifically are hot ? Or is this a Utah thing ? And even more bewildering, what have they got against the Coke conglomerate ? and err.. Starbucks ? and hair shirts ? Are they unAmerican ?
sage: Pfft. I tried the PHP builtin which is advertised as the fix for situations like this. Err. wait. I tried all 4 methods which could be a fix - and all of them failed. What you see now is the result of strip_tags - which mysteriously blows away slashes. I’ll probably do some weirdass Slashdot like anti page-widening hack this weekend after I finish off some work. You can have a shot at breaking it again then
On 02-Nov-05 at 11:50 am,
sage wrote:
ooer, i can’t wait.
what if i try to provide you with an either/or option? will your recent comment readers be baffled and confounded? whatever will become of them? the suspense is killing me.
On 02-Nov-05 at 11:54 am,
sage wrote:
comma’s and fullstop’s as well! *gasp*
On 02-Nov-05 at 11:58 am,
sage wrote:
*does a little dance*
i broke your little widget again. tee hee.
On 02-Nov-05 at 12:01 pm,
drac wrote:
oh my. begone, vile spammer!
you’re forcing me to abandon scholarly pursuits and plug holes in the commenting plugin. Lead me not into procrastination, I’m quite good at finding ways to goof off on my own.
Maybe I should just exclude all comments from sage showing up in the recent comments widget. Hmmmm.
On 03-Nov-05 at 4:20 am,
Kermit wrote:
er, don’t get me wrong or nothing, but sin’s right — the younger ones are hot. the one i met in the bus was one of the very few guys that even i’d classify as hot!
On 03-Nov-05 at 8:37 am,
loki wrote:
pray tell where one can find a young Mormon hottie in this godforsaken piehole of a country, I didnt know we had any…
On 03-Nov-05 at 9:15 am,
chickenbutt wrote:
loki : maybe we should take the bus route kermit takes ?
drac : i cant comment on your new post
keep getting not found 
On 03-Nov-05 at 10:32 am,
sage wrote:
bah! you wouldn’t exclude my comments.
yeah, your permalink for that new post is all screwy.
On 03-Nov-05 at 2:24 pm,
drac wrote:
Wait. Was this a Mormon, Kermit ? A real live one ? I mirror Loki’s amazement at this finding.
chickenbutt, sage: how appropriate that a post entitled gremlins has uncovered gremlins in Wordpress works. Bah. *strikes a dramatic pose* The whole world is conspiring to keep me from these silly deadlines. Dammit. I’ll have to fix this now.
On 04-Nov-05 at 4:58 am,
Kermit wrote:
yep. he gave me his business card. it said “www.mormon.org”. i’m serious.
white shirt. black pants. shoes with mirror polish. tie. clean shaven (face, of course). veritable bruce-willis-in-his-younger-years.
On 05-Nov-05 at 5:11 pm,
drac wrote:
Ooh, oooh, I got one of those too. Same URL.
Heh. I find it intriguing that you felt compelled to qualify clean shaven with the part of the anatomy.
Maybe it’s some clone factory in Utah ? The chap I encountered could be described in the exact same way - except for the Bruce Willis part.