The Lair

About that hardware hackery I alluded to earlier … Yet another episode in my unceasing warfare with things mechanical. A war in which I come off second best more often than not, mind you.

The task, should I decide to accept it (and it’s not like I had a real choice here) was to install two new memory DIMMs on my shiny new Dell notebook. Two separate threads of thought arise from this, which I’ll pursue individually.

You know, a long long looooong time ago (think back to the time when Star Wars movies were initially released); some male relative of mine asked (as uncles tend to do), “so, do you want to be an engineer when you grow up?”. I nodded my head enthusiastically and everyone was pleased, pats on the head were dispensed in avuncular fashion and all was well. Several days later, I realized … oh, hey. He didn’t mean that fun job where you get to drive the locomotives, but the more boring job which involves things like constructing bridges. I present this charming anecdote to you, gentle reader, as proof positive of two things. First, I am easily confused. Secondly, I have about as much mechanical ability as a rodent on a hamsterwheel.

Fast forward a couple of decades (and then some) later. I am now (in some circles) “the computer guy”. Remember Djikstra? “Computer Science is as much about computers as Astronomy is about telescopes”. Well, see; I’m a computer scientist (or I like to delude myself of this, at any rate). Hardware? I am mystified. Printers? They positively hate me. A while ago, I had the (mis-)fortune to work at a computer hardware company for a couple of months. Extremely high profile company, but at the end of the day; their job was just like any other computer hardware guy’s job – it just paid better. My experiences there? I wanted to learn more about plugging shit into computers. Instead, I learnt that computer hardware and peripherals are evil and must not be trusted. If there was any socket I could plug in the wrong way, I did it. If there was any way to make things fizz and spark and spew out magic smoke, I found it first. Hardware and I, ladies and gents, was a match made in hell. It was a match worthy of Paul and Heather McCartney and about as expensive.

Only, sometimes we’re faced with our own limitations staring at us in the face. I wanted this memory upgrade. I wanted it so bad I could taste it. So I did what any aspiring Machiavelli would do – went to a guy who did like hardware and asked real nicely if he could fit this memory chip in for me.

We had a look at the diagram. Oh, and Dell – you may be evil in lots of ways but kudos for publishing this stuff on the web. Yeah, yeah, so DIMM B was easy. Even I could do that. So I did it. DIMM A? Remove hinge flap. Remove keyboard (!!!?). Oh dear. So, now we’re looking for a plastic scribe. My friend who does hardware used to work on an oilrig. He has this massive toolbox filled with every single tool known to mankind. But what the heck is a plastic scribe? Uh. We don’t know. So, we used a credit card. Then the drac hardware curse struck. One end of the hinge flap unhinged just fine (with repeated digging from a credit card). The other end? Would not budge. Curses! Foiled again.

So, to cut a long long description of my futile attempts short; I went to the real professionals. Asked nicely. Took the notebook down to the hardware lab. They took one look at it and scratched their heads. Uh, Yeah. I already replaced the easy DIMM slot. Not looking too confident, they told me to come back in a while and that it would be fixed. I have a feeling this story hasn’t ended quite yet.

The takehome moral of this story – do not give me computer hardware and expect me to know what the heck fits where. Software? Yeah, I can handle that. Mechanical and electronic shit? Good luck. Even if I did know (ok, so I was perhaps overstating my cluelessness just a tad); the drac curse of hardware ensures that you will never ever see your hardware in working condition again.

Update: Good grief, they did it. I now have more memory on this notebook than I did hard disk space err.. a decade ago. Now to get rid of the crapware that Dell installs by default. Whee.