The Lair

I’ve started using public transport in Sri Lanka again. Despite what people may tell you, it really isn’t that bad… Honest. Ok, so you have overcrowded buses (solution: travel at off-peak times when the buses are nearly empty), downright suicidal drivers (solution: either become very devout and pray or simply ignore the oncoming traffic and the frequent near death experiences which result), the blaring horns (solution: er. haven’t found one yet. Ear plugs may work, I suppose).

Three wheeler guys and I don’t get along too well, you see. The moment they see me, the whole “not been in town for ages tax” seems to kick in (The “out of town tax” is less expensive than the pale skin tax, but not by much). If ordinary mortals get charged 200 bucks for something, no one will budge for me unless I offer 250 minimum. Yeah, so the 50 bucks extra isn’t as big a deal as it could be (or so I say loftily), but the feeling of inadequacy at being stiffed by random three wheeler thuggies begins to grate after a while. The guys at stands near my home are the worst, actually. There is an old household maxim about never hailing a three wheeler from a stand - and it still holds true. Hence, public transport… It’s cheap, it’s fast (oh my lord, is it fast… sometimes scarily so) and best of all, you don’t need to haggle with the conductor to pay your fare.

Sorted? No, not quite.

The scam that bus conductors have been pulling for years is to shake their heads and say “No change”. I’m sure they don’t have change for your ten or twenty rupee note or whatever it is. That’s not the point. The point is, they say no change and tack a few more bucks onto your allotted fare. If the fare is 4 bucks, good luck getting change from a fiver. If the fare is err.. 8 or 9 bucks, good luck getting change from a tenner. That’s how it goes. And before that, there was the whole fifty cent controversy… complete with (mostly jobless) people writing to the papers protesting and all that jazz. Did the private bus conductors care? Did they hell. They went merrily on their way pocketing the change.

Why am I bitching about a couple of rupees? Well, I’m not. This is a darn sight cheaper than hopping a random threewheeler any day of the week. But the point I’m trying to establish (in my usual long winded, get-to-the-point-soon-or-I-fall-asleep sorta way) is, private bus conductors are looking to make a few extra bucks as well. No biggie. It’s accepted and it’s only random people writing letters to the newspaper editor who really seem to get worked up about it.

So how do you explain that when I offered a tenner to a conductor last week for a 6 rupee fare, he actually said he didn’t have change and gave me a fiver back? A private bus conductor actually charged me a buck less? Unbelievable. I stared at the yellowish golden coin nestling in my palm, blinked several times and looked at him. He had already moved on (screaming at people to “go forward, goddammit!” - private bus conductors are modern day cowboys, trying to pack commuter cattle into as small a space in one side of the bus as possible). I was … charged a whole rupee less. Think blue moon, blizzard in the Sahara, Geoffery Boycott getting a prediction right etc… yeah, that’s how common an occurrence it is.

And last morning, it happened again. Twice now. Inside a week. Have bus conductor chaps reformed?

This is made worse by the fact that no one else in the family (despite occasionally using public transport) has ever been bestowed such largesse by the private bus conductors. Do I look that hard up to these people? It seems that they think I need that extra rupee more than they do. Given the fact that my bank has played merry hell with my accounts, I can only agree. At my age, living with my parents and surviving off handouts from them till the fricking bank unsticks some funds, I think I need all the help I can get.