The Lair

It’s been a strange strange week for any number of reasons - ranging from the utterly bizarre to the mildly WTF-ish moments. I could comment on the random asshattery that has been invading various parts of blog land but … ah, can’t be bothered.

So instead, I’ll jabber on about the bizarreness that was Eurovision. Let me explain how things work, for the uninformed. A bunch of countries get together, each nation (not just European nations, but Russia and Israel and a few other almost West Asian countries are included) puts forward a song for vote. Each nation can in turn pick 10 favourite songs (excluding their own, of course) after the performances; with a variable number of points being awarded by rank. When all the votes from all the nations have been tallied, the highest rated song … wins. Sounds simple and above board, does it not?

It isn’t.

There are accusations of bloc voting (which are probably true) and a tendency for “serious” songwriters to stay away from the competition. Still interesting, though. Because voting does occur in blocs, Russia tends to get a lot of the Eastern European votes, the Scandis vote for each other (or make a politically correct vote as Sweden did this time around), Cyprus votes for Greece usually and so on.

Oh and Ireland sometimes votes for the UK. This time, Malta did too. But it’s apparently a sad fact that the UK doesn’t have a lot of friends in the voting stakes.

Which means that the UK doesn’t really take the whole thing very seriously (or so they tell themselves) and the highpoint of the televised proceedings is a hilarious, snarky voiceover by the inmitable Terry Wogan. I am told that there is alcohol involved in the latter half of the Eurovision commentary; but if that’s true - it just means I’d love to hang out with ol Terry when he goes on a pub crawl.

Sadly, this year was not as funny as the last in the Wogan commentary stakes. I was still convulsed in fits of laughter, though.

First, the songs. Try Les Fatals Picards by France. I totally want to do that running in one place act. What can I say about this video and song? It was so bad that it was really rather entertainingly good. The matching hot pink accoutrements? The weird dead raccoon nestled on the shoulder of the bald chap? The uncoordinated jerky dancing? Yes, all of those and it was in French; which means they just went “blah blah blah” as far as I could understand. I loved it.

Or try Scooch, the British entry. I noticed a nod to Bucks Fizz in the Eurovision final performance and also a guy holding an extra large toffee prop and a voiceover asking “would you like something to suck on?”. Kitsch. Terrible song, really but par for the course. Should have done better than 2nd from bottom, but hey … this is the UK. What can you do, huh?

Or Ukraine’s entry (Slava Ukraina!). The supposed pre-event favourite. Featured a countdown in German (I think?! I thought I heard an ein zwei drei. Very umm.. crazy.

Or the eventual winner, Serbia, hilariously described as “a short girl with five female warders”. Stirring sounding song, but the Wogan description ruined it for me. I kept dissolving into fits of laughter when I saw the warders. Damn you, Wogan.

Honourable mentions: hottie Russian chix0rs with a really really terrible song. It wasn’t bad enough to be entertainingly good (unlike the French entry). And Israel. There was also Bulgaria and err.. Armenia? as watchable stuff. Everything else (with a few exceptions) was horrifyingly bad. But that’s Eurovision.

Yes, I’ve just linked to Eurovision performances and admitted I watched it this year. Social suicide? Maybe.