The Lair

Just like Las Vegas. And I’m not referring to the 30 member strong “Sri Lanka Deserves another chance at the ICC Cricket world Cup!!”. It’s too late for groups like those, people outside FB are already making the same silly protestations.

So I was lurking around Facebook as I do on occasion and I noticed someone I knew. Rather than add the person directly, I was intending to ask her first but I forgot all about it. Yesterday, I met her husband. Yes, they’re both in the same university and the OH is in my department. Let’s call the hubby Simpson.

drac: “Hey, I didn’t see you on Facebook?!”
simpson: “What ees thees face book?”
drac: “Oh. Uh.” – how do you explain something like facebook? I still struggle with a definition… and hey, this is his wife after all, telling the bloke that his wife is on a “social” site may not go down too well.
drac: “It’s uh. a site where lots of university students hang out.” – ok. close enough, right?
simpson: “Oh. You mean like submitting CVs?”
drac: “Uh. Not quite. But I suppose you could do that.” – No, you’re thinking of that other abomination, LinkedIn.
simpson: “More informal then?”
drac: seizes opportunity. “Yes. Yes. Considerably more informal, but harmless” – dear god, I hope so. I have no idea.

simpson:” Oh. Er. No. I’m not on thees face book”
drac: Danger! Danger, Will Robinson. It’s time to GTFO of this unanticipated social conversational quicksand. “Oh, ok then. I thought you might be, since so many York students are in it already.” – hunts around for a quick subject change.
simpson:” Oh. Er. No. Is [wife] on it?” – *facepalm*. Shit.
drac: Jeebus dude. Why are you asking me? Ask HER. “I have no idea.” – liar liar pants on fyah. Although I can lie fairly convincingly when I need to.

simpson:” Because [wife] and I separated last week.”
drac: … ?!????
*audience draws a collective hushed breath.*
drac:“I’m so sorry to hear that.” – OMFG. I nearly put my foot in it. Way to go, drac ol boy.
simpson:in a matter of fact way – “Yeah. I moved out last week and we will get divorced soon I think.” – holy shit, weren’t you like married only like 6 months ago? and WHY are you telling me this? This is what I get for initiating casual chitchat. I need to STFU and ignore people more often. And oh. Series of hitherto unexplained observations suddenly make perfect sense.
drac:… – almost like a do go on, because I don’t know wtf to say, but accompanied by a sympathetic nod of the head. Jeebus dude, please do NOT start bawling. Ok? I don’t think I could handle that.
simpson: [launches into an explanation of marital breakdown symptoms to which I periodically go uh-huh and make other noises indicating sympathy and assent]

simpson:“So, why did you ask about face book?”
drac: “Umm. No reason, really. Just thought you might be on it or something and I couldn’t find you” – I am not dissembling here. That was the main reason for asking, was it not?
simpson:“Ah. oki. Should I join?”
drac: -take a deep breath, boyo. Not too emphatic, not too loud. Don’t reply too quickly. Pretend to think about it – faux casually, “No. It’s really not that interesting after the first week.”. -mind screams – Oh. Fuck No. Do not join. Do not pass go. Do not collect £200.
drac: – escape! escape! dude is going to figure something out. Offer help and ask him if he wants anything, to which he promises he’ll let me know… and then I flee before more awkward Facebook questions can be posed.

And I duly did. I did persuade the dude to go out to the pub this week though so I don’t feel like I’m totally abandoning him, now that he’s told me about his marital woes.

Next time I feel compelled to bring up Facebook in casual conversation, just have someone stab me in the arm, ok?