The Lair

Supermarkets go to seemingly elaborate lengths to actually make stuff you buy off them difficult to open. It’s like … the law or something. Some of the more exotic edible purchases I make are bottled. Therefore, it follows that I have a whole range of tools handy to prise the tamper proof, spill proof and 100% proof tops from these bottles. Since this is ol drac we’re talking about here - I can’t always be bothered reminding myself of where I left the can-opener swiss army knife gadget. So I have occasionally resorted to jimmying the aforementioned tamper proof lids with a common or garden kitchen knife. For extra credit, the knife is serrated; which I’m pretty sure is against the Geneva convention. I have yet to jab myself in the eye with this juryrigged bottle opening strategem. A sliced finger, however, is only averted by dumb luck rather than any adroitness on my part.

So shopping for groceries a couple of days ago, I had no qualms in slipping a bottle of confusingly, yet intriguingly named “Sweet Chillie and Garlic - oh, all right, let’s make it sound less like spicy sugarwater by adding a Thai in there somewhere” sauce into my bag. Primary ingredient? Water. Secondary ingredient? Sugar. Somewhere towards the end, just before the preservatives? Yes, chillie. But whatever. It tastes decent and that’s all I cared. Enough with the judgement. I bought it and I poked it in the bag.

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So I was all out of my favourite mouthwash and the supermarket wasn’t stocking the same brand. So I had to settle for a bottle of suspiciously punk-rocker-hair blue coloured liquid instead. Yeah, it was the closest thing on the shelf, I just had a cursory look at the constituent chemicals and grabbed it. That’s my usual shopping methodology for non-essentials.

Anyhootenanny, I came back with the mouthwash - plonked it on the shelf … uh, I mean on top of the washing machine (because that’s where these things end up) and forgot about it. Till I had to use it. It tasted … sweet. Now that’s an unusual taste sensation for mouthwash so I had a closer look at the ingredients.

Sodium saccharin. Yeah, the bogeyman sweetener of my childhood - now packaged up in mouthwash.

When I was younger, there used to be this dodgy looking bloke outside the school gate selling luridly coloured popsicles. I can’t remember what they tasted like now, but it was the lurid colour that was the probable attraction more than anything else. Of course, my purchases of said luridly coloured ice blocks on a stick were always greeted with horror by my mom. The standard warning was that they contained saccharin instead of sugar (because saccharin is much cheaper, apparently) and sachcharin was bad and a nasty chemical.

A brief digression, my mom also used to warn me against excess intake of vinegar because it will melt your bones. Now I actually did listen to her when she gave dire warnings about saccharin but vinegar? I used to mash up fruit with chillie, sugar, salt and vinegar. There was no way I was stopping that, so I uh.. ignored the vinegar warning. Although she may have had a point there too… there used to be dodgy artificial acetic acid based vinegar floating around in the old days instead of the toddy stuff that is so freely available now.

But back to the saccharin. In recent years, it’s seen a mini-revival apparently - in the face of inconclusive evidence for its carcinogenic potential. Take, for example, aspirin. There was a time in the 80s when aspirin was the bogeyman of medicines. Now, of course - people use it as a prophylactic for everything from heart disease to bowel cancer. So it appears to be with saccharin. The earlier advisories and warnings seem to have been overturned… Saccharin is in.

Sorta. There is no definitive link between bladder cancer in rats and excessive dosages of saccharin, but I still wouldn’t make it my top choice in sweeteners. Then again, the inclusion of saccharin is probably only to make the mouthwash taste slightly more palatable - you’re not supposed to swig mouthwash like that horrific lucozade.

Hmmm. Wonder if saccharin (like alcohol) is absorbed by coming into contact with the tissues of the mouth and throat?

So I was watching Neneh and Andi last night (100 clove garlic chicken looked yum, by the way) and I heard a reference to “chicken fat pills” and their positive effect in uh… increasing the size of various parts of the butty. And I don’t mean chicken breast or the irrepressible chickenbutt either.

So, I set about uncovering the facts behind this chicken fat pill. Not err.. for myself, you understand. Manbewbs not being the most attractive of things and being positively hideous on someone of my skinny proportions. Purely out of scientific interests, yeah. And I discovered this link from well nigh 7 years ago.

Chicken fat pills. Ick. And you thought the cod liver oil capsule that your mother guilted you into taking (or was that just me? maybe) was bad.

And apropos of nothing, some Gootubey goodness.

And in other news, I have unearthed pictures of a Fools Gold Loaf. Damn, but that looks mighty foine. Deadly though. My arteries are constricting in sympathy even before the first bite is savoured… but still fine. And obviously enough, I look forward to making my own version - only with chillie paste and possibly sliced habanero peppers in place of the grape jelly.

And I couldn’t resist taking a dab at this.