The Lair

Every culture, it seems, has a seemingly inexhaustible storehouse of axioms, homilies and quotes – usually translated as “rural wisdom”. Some of these homilies are grounded in science – for example, boil cassava roots in an open pot (to allow the toxic cyanides to evaporate).
Who the hell first discovered that? How many people died to figure it out? Those are the things they never teach you in school.

There are other homilies, however, which are probably grounded in science but no one follows these days. For example, when I was young I was strictly forbidden to eat more than one egg per day. No, really. More than that is bad for me, I was told. I will get lower voice into a hushed whisper high cholesterol. Yes, this is probably true but other aspects of my lifestyle (which attract no comment) are probably higher risk activities than eating a couple of eggs for breakfast.

Another one: don’t put too much vinegar on your food (especially the delicious raw fruit mixed with chillie and sugar preparations) because the acid will melt your bones. Wait, what? I don’t understand the science behind that one at all.

Then there is the entire class of things called heaty food – which includes prawns, pineapples and (I strongly suspect) most things which taste good. Eating too much of such things retains heat, and therefore causes all sorts of medical problems. They must immediately be neutralized with cooling food. Again, science? There is probably some in this, but I wonder.

There are plenty more where that came from … but are they really relevant today? I somehow suspect they aren’t

I like to complain. This is well known. I can be the crankiest, most depressing person ever. My glass is always stolen; never mind half full or empty. I can be the black hole of negativity into which all things positive are sucked in, never to return (much like the dryer and my socks, I think).

So, for a change – instead of bitching about the weather, the allegedly rough neighbourhood, the depressing environs of this town and sundry other causes for complaint – let me share what I like about this country.

In no particular order –

• Malt vinegar – on chips (fish are optional, since I find that approximately 1-2% of fish varieties give me horrendous allergic reactions)
• Sunday roast. Preferably with nice and crisp Yorkshire puddings that sop up the gravy
• The whole pub culture in this country. No, seriously. I don’t know of many places where it is acceptable to nurse a few beers and watch a widescreen television intently … which brings me to
• Football, Six Nations rugby and various other sporting events, most of which the Beeb screens for free
• The sense of humour. Acerbic wit is so very under-rated, but among people of a certain age and educational background, it’s practically a sine-qua-non.

• Decent cider. No, this does not include Strongbow. It never will.

So what if most of those things are food and drink? That’s just how I roll.

I remembered seeing the process of mechanically reclaiming meat a few weeks ago on some TV show (the name of which I cannot recall). Cheap sausage rolls just don’t taste as good when you have to eye the filling suspiciously. In fact, in a most uncustomary sense of food paranoia, I realized that everything cheapish and containing meat products is probably likely to have at least a certain amount of MRM. Makes me recall Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler.

So, how to judge retail cuts of meat.

And in keeping with the theme (yet, completely bizarre) – baconated vodka.